Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
