that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
