Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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