just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
