Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
