My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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