Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
