Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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