ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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