This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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