The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
