Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
