I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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