I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
