All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
