I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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