I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
