I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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