the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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