you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
