There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
