i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
