How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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