any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
