I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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