I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
