Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
