You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
