I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
