love makes seman taste better
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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