I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
