I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
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When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
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she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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