is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
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We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
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I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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