genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
