I love black thongs
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
