yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
