his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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