come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Couch. On fire.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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