I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
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8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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