letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
