I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
