look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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