my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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