Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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