3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
All the doctor said was why
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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