It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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