Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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