i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Randomize
