My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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