I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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