brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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