my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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