Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
