your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
