someone threw a dead crab at me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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