K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
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Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
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I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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